for drinkupmehearties

[shieldofrohan]

It has been most of a month now since Jack came to Gondor's shores, a good two weeks since Faramir returned to Ithilien. Éowyn has meant, every day, to tell him the truth; every day, she has shied away from it. It isn't out of fear for her own sake, or Jack's, but when she comes to speak to Faramir, sees the familiar lines of his face and the gentle look in his eyes, she can't bring herself to hurt him that way. She keeps telling herself the time will come, must come, that she isn't avoiding it but only waiting. Deep down, though, she knows full well there's never going to be a right time, that she'll never tell him if things go on this way, and perhaps Jack was right, perhaps that's for the best. She's kept away from Jack for the most part, giving his care over to one of the serving-men of the household, and she's certainly never repeated the mistake of that first morning back in Ithilien. Faramir knows something is wrong, she can tell that much, but perhaps if she just lets it lie, tries to get back to normal...

It would be easier if everything else went back to normal around her. But it doesn't. It takes her a few days to be sure, to count off the days and know she isn't just being paranoid, that she really ought to have bled by now. She keeps hoping for a day or so after that, but when she comes back from her afternoon ride, strips down to change into a dress, and finds her underthings still clean, hope shrivels to despair.

Faramir is out, luckily. Éowyn dresses as quickly as she can, and tries to steady herself, to wipe away the tears that haven't quite spilled over, before taking a deep breath and heading out into the hallway. Jack's guard is outside his room, and looks at her with clear concern, but when she dismisses him, he goes without argument.

She locks the door behind her, not lingering in the doorway this time but crossing right over to Jack and grabbing his arm. The tears are threatening again, and there's a light in her eyes that isn't remotely one of happiness. "Jack. Listen to me."

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[shieldofrohan]

"It's been a week." She meets his eyes, scanning his face for a moment, before belatedly realising that he has no idea what she's talking about. Heaving a sigh, she lets go of his arm, her hand dropping back to her side. "Since my courses ought to have begun. I have not bled."

He's a man of the world. He has to know what that means. She sinks down on the end of the bed, putting her head in her hands. "Jack... I have not bled, and nor have Faramir and I... Not since his return."

If there's a baby, it's yours.

[drinkupmehearties]

He certainly knows what it means, judging by the immediate alarm that fills his face. Of all the scenarios that he'd been running through his mind for her visit, this was not one of them. In fact, even being as stupidly reckless as he was, the possibility hadn't ever even entered his thoughts. This was just not a complication that he'd ever wanted to deal with, or truly, think about.

A heavy feeling settles in his gut, and Jack swallows thickly. "You jest. You must be." He can already tell by her grave expression that she's not; and besides which, she isn't one to joke about things like this. He curses under his breath, setting aside the cloth in his hands, a muscle in his jaw working. "It may mean nothin', right? Are you certain? Could you be wrong?" She knows her body better than him, she'd know if she was late, but that doesn't stop the denial from gripping him.

[shieldofrohan]

"I could be." But she doesn't think she is wrong. She's never wanted so badly to be wrong in her life, but life isn't that kind. She doesn't look up, her head still in her hands, her long hair falling like a curtain to obscure her expression. There's a heaviness in her voice, and in the slump of her shoulders. She can't think that, even in the cells of the Capitol or in the shadowed halls of Edoras during the war, she's ever felt quite so hopeless, or so thoroughly guilty. "I could. But if I am not, what then?"

That isn't a rhetorical question. Help her out here.

[drinkupmehearties]

Jack drags his gaze from Eowyn to the locked door, lingering, then to the far wall, to a tapestry and the stitches on it that he's beginning to memorize. What then. He can feel the urge to get up and pace around the room, to somehow burn off the dismay that's winding itself into his limbs. But something else locks him firmly in place, keeps him staring at the wall instead. Damn it all.

He runs his palm over his face, ending the movement with fingers combing his beard, and grimaces. "I ... " He doesn't continue, at first. There hasn't been many times in his life that Jack has been at a loss of words. But, at the moment, he's not quite sure what to say. His mouth opens, closes, his hand lifts, then lowers. Then finally, in a rougher voice, " ... I don't rightly know, were I to be honest." He looks back to her, searching for a reaction despite her face being hidden. "I don't reckon I would, or will, be around for the natural conclusion to this." He'd planned to be far gone, once the King allowed him free. And with this thrown into the mix? Fatherhood doesn't sit well with him at all.

"What options are there? What do you want done?"

[shieldofrohan]

"I don't know." She looks up, briefly, to gauge his reaction. "There are ways to... to end it. Herbs I could take. But..."

Trailing off, she drops her gaze again, wiping her eyes on the cuff of her sleeve. The remedies she knows are not certain. More importantly, her studies have taught her that they can render a woman barren. She doesn't want that, can't bear to betray Faramir twice over that way. Nor is she sure she wants her first pregnancy to end that way, a child killed out of shame. But is it any better than a child born of treachery?

"I don't know," she repeats, and bites down hard on her lip. "I'm afraid, Jack. This... I never meant for any of this. And I can keep it from him no more." That isn't just an issue of morality, although that's pretty significant. Faramir has been her husband for over a year, knows her well, knows her body. He'll know before too long, one way or another. Even if she tries to kill it, the herbs will make her sick, she's sure, and then he'll know. There's no way to keep from hurting him now.

[drinkupmehearties]

He meets her gaze, his own steady. Jack has heard about herbs -- even procedures -- that could end a pregnancy. In fact, it'd been his first impulse to propose it when she told him, knowing that neither of them wanted the child. He'd hesitated in suggesting in it, though, having also heard stories about how such things could harm the woman in the process. How sometimes it could even cause her death. It'd be the easiest solution, in his mind, but very much a tough decision to make.

Jack shifts closer to her on the bed, laying his palm gently on her upper back. "Aye, I'm sure. This ain't easy. But we'll figure it out, I'm sure." He sounds confident, even if he isn't quite feeling that way at the moment. He dips his chin a little, studying her face, then ventures, "If you end it, would he know? How long would it take?"

[shieldofrohan]

"He might not." She wipes her eyes again, taking a long, shaky breath. "Or I might bleed too much to miss. Or vomit, or take a fever, or it might not work. Already he suspects something, I fear, from how he looks at me."

Although that might be to do with her uncharacteristic coolness towards him since his return. She hasn't done much more than kiss him, and even that feels tainted somehow, guilty.

She raises her head, taking another long, deep breath and biting back her tears. "This is a sign. I have been a coward over this matter too long. I will tell him, and see what he would have me do. 'Tis the least I owe to him."

[drinkupmehearties]

He drops his hand away from her, then pinches the bridge of his nose and stifles the sigh that rises in him. This has all spiraled out into much more of a mess than Jack would've ever anticipated it would, and the feeling of having it all so wholly out of his hands only makes all the disquiet gnaw at him even further.

Jack finally slides off from the bed, unable to sit still any longer, and wanders over to fireplace. The fire had died out on the grate hours ago, leaving only the trace scents of burnt wood and smoke in its place. He crosses his arms, then leans into the wall next to it, staring at the ashes.

"If you've got your mind set on it, I can't stop you." He's been at her mercy since being pulled from that cell in Minas Tirith and brought here. If she left to tell Faramir, he couldn't do much but sit in this room and wait again. His gaze lifts to her. "Is that the wisest choice, you think?"

[shieldofrohan]

"The wisest?" She looks at him, naked fear and grief in her eyes. "The wisest choice would have been not to let this come to pass. But I am not wise." Heaving a deep sigh, she runs her hand over her face. "It is the only honourable choice, now. The only fair one. If that makes it wise, I do not know."

It doesn't feel wise. But nor does trying to hide it, nor does continuing to lie by omission. Éowyn sniffs, clearing her throat, and tries to regain her composure as best she can. "Jack, I am sorry. For all of this."

[drinkupmehearties]

His mouth presses lightly, but Jack doesn't argue the point. Fairness, honor, neither matters much at all to him in this situation. Whatever provides him the best chance at getting his ship back, his life and freedom, whatever can save his neck from the noose -- that's what interests him the most. But for all that, Jack knows that Eowyn holds her honor and integrity to the same high value. It might not be wise to tell Faramir, in his opinion, but she's doing what's right by herself. And Jack can understand that, as much as he doesn't want to.

"Kind of you. But you've nothin' to be sorry for. It is what it is." He knows he should apologize as well, probably. He's had an equal share in causing this after all. But still, it's hard for him to take responsibility for his own poor choices and nearly non-existent self-control. Even now. "It's been," He bobs a hand, fingers curled, then sighs, "An unfortunate turn of events, I would say." Jack clears his throat, idly fingering the sash at his waist. "Likewise, I hadn't meant to put you in such a precarious position, with your husband and the like, when I came here. It wasn't me intention." Sort of an apology? Intention mattered, right? Even if that'd flown out the window the second the chance had presented itself to him.

[shieldofrohan]

Éowyn's never been the best at apologies herself, which probably explains how she knows that's the closest she's getting to one. It wins a watery smile from her, at least. It's not much, but it's something. It's, frankly, a relief to hear him admit upfront what a terrible idea all this was. It's still her fault, but at least this way, she feels a little less alone in it.

"It is what it is," she echoes, and nods slowly. There's wisdom in that, she knows it. A reminder, solid and steady, that she can't undo what's been done - only go forwards, one foot in front of the other, and let things come as they may.

Smoothing her skirts, she sniffs and gets to her feet. "I should go. There is... there is work still to do, ere Faramir returns." Ere all comes to ruin.

[drinkupmehearties]

"I would imagine so." Work to be done, and for him, more time to himself to spend mulling over this newest, troublesome revelation. Jack pushes off from his place on the wall, makes his way over to her with unhurried steps as she stands and tidies herself. "If I'm not to be present, keep me informed, eh? An' if I am to be there with you when you tell him, I'll see you then."

He moves to draw her into an embrace, then, warm and reassuring. "There'll be better days ahead, luv."

i'll set up a new thread, k?

[shieldofrohan]

The embrace seems like a bad idea, if she's honest - and yet she all but melts into it, holding him tightly, her eyes closing for a moment. It's a reassurance, something solid to hold onto, and she's grateful for it. She clings to him for a long moment before pulling away, her eyes puffy and red, her expression sombre.

"I hope you are right, Jack." Better days ahead. It would be more comforting if it didn't echo what Faramir had said to her when first they met, and so drive another stab of guilt into her. Still, she appreciates the intent, and gives him a faint smile. "I think you ought not to be there. This is best between us. But I shall give you word as soon as I can, I swear it."